Break Up Day 3: Growing up

Note, all this text is copied from some somewhere else.  I did not write any of this, but what this person wrote resonated with me

Edit: Thought I’d add some thoughts I had that kept me going since I assume you’re going through your first right now?

1) all those things you two enjoyed together are just things. They’re objective. What I mean by that is that if you frequented X restaurant or she introduced you to Y band, they’re not “hers”. The restaurant and band don’t give a shit about her -they may even dislike her if they met her- so enjoy the things and places you enjoy. A park is a park, a shirt is a shirt, and so on.

2) you are a fucking king, man. I used to tell myself that well, if I ever run into her again I want her damn jaw to drop cuz I’m killin it across the board. As I saw here on reddit once, “this is your game of life, be the best you can be”

3) I was an immature fuck when I went thru my first breakup. Still am, probably, but I know I’ve grown a lot since then. I might even be a man now, who knows. But as I watched myself change (and I changed basically everything) I started to get really excited to see how a new and more mature relationship would be. I mean when k really think about it, it’s gonna be a whole new experience. And this time I wont be a codependent pussy! Cool!

4) holy shit look at how much more money I have! For the first few months I would take what I figured I used to spend on her in a month and then go treat myself. New shoes one month, new jacket next, etc. It’s fun to date yourself. And honestly it’s fun to be selfish.

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Break Day 2: Angela?

Break Up Day 1: Hi Angela, Bye Angela

Mood: Sad/still in shock

Drink: Eeyore’s Requiem

Food Level: Completely fasted – I haven’t eaten anything today

So I’m single now.  Writing down my thoughts has always been cathartic.  It takes a lot of energy though so I don’t do it nearly enough.

First, Angela broke up with me.  So, that explains why I’m single.  In short, she came to the realization that she could never see me as a serious boyfriend.  From the way I understand it, which is more than likely biased and probably doesn’t do justice to the explanation she gave, I wasn’t intelligent enough, accomplished enough, knowledgeable enough, etc. to ever challenge her enough to be considered a serious boyfriend.  She said she needed a boyfriend who pushes her to better herself.  In this case, she means someone who isn’t me.  I makes me feel kind of like an itemized receipt, like I’m just the sum of a set of qualities.  She felt like she was using me for a good time which made her feel guilty because she knew I wanted something more serious which she refused to let happen.  It’s hard to explain completely.

  1. I wanted a serious relationship
  2. she wanted someone to be friends with, talk with, and have fun with
  3. I filled those qualities
  4. she decided I could never be considered a serious boyfriend
  5. she felt guilty about this because she felt like she was stringing me along
  6. she broke up with me
  7. she wants to be friends

It’s interesting she wants to be friends.  Fors someone who’s apparently smarter than me I don’t understand how that isn’t the most selfish thing she could ever ask for.  Admittedly she can be pretty selfish sometimes, so more than likely she just hasn’t thought about it.  But the way I see it her asking me to be friends is kind of insulting and hurtful…and for whatever reason I’m still conflicted about it.   I feel that her request is selfish because I feel like she’s asking me to give everything she wants while having no obligation to give me anything I want.  Basically she can have someone to talk to, do things with, have sex with completely on her terms, and she doesn’t have to feel any need to satisfy any of my needs since she has no obligation to.  It’s like all the things she wants from a relationship without needing to give anything back.  That’s why I feel like it’s selfish

 

I should take care of her stuff at some point.

I’m getting too tired to write, the Eeyore is definitely starting to hit me.  I’m going to try to push myself to write in the future

Points to talk about later:

  • appreciating our time together
  • my healing process
  • energy and motivation
  • her stuff
  • being friends