I always have the sinking feeling that I don’t journal enough, and still… I rarely do anything about it. Right now I have a lot of pent of feelings that I feel like I want to vent about. I guess maybe journalling is like a floodgate for me. It only opens when it’s forced open due to a massive build up. Last week (I think it was last week, days are starting to run together at this point) was terrible for me. Two weeks ago, on a whim I met this girl for drinks. We met at a cocktail place and chatted for a few hours before she had to leave. She said she works in a coffee shop on the weekends (she’s currently in the last year of pharmacy school) and really values her sleep. We really hit it off, it seemed like we had a lot in common. Particularly a love for cocktails and cocktail making. I think I might be over-valuing this trait at the moment because it’s the hobby I’ve been throwing myself into to distract myself from checking my email for med school interviews. Anyway, she seemed cool, listened to a lot of the same podcasts, had similar interests, was cute, and I thought we really hit it off. We made out in front of the restaurant before I ended up walking her to her car. Something I normally wouldn’t do, but she seemed like the kind of person who would appreciate it. She asked me to take a photo of myself and send it to her before she agreed to meet me, so needless to say, she was a little timid.
She definitely dropped some things which should have been redflag worthy, something I’m terrible at incorporating into my valuation function apparently. For example being a hot model dramatically outweighs the fact she was a super flakey college dropout that had issues with depression and had a cocaine addiction…I’m bad at this. Anyway, cocktail girl told me about how she got two tattoos on her ankles (one of each) on a whim after a bad period in her life because she felt like making a bad decision. She also casually dropped how she cheated on one of ex-boyfriends. Finally, she didn’t like pharmacy school and was only going because her dad was making her. Somehow NONE OF THIS WAS CONCERNING TO ME. Jesus Christ, maybe I’m just desperate for a connection with someone? Either that, or I’m just very tolerant of people’s flaws. Maybe both?
So the day after I shoot her a text. No response, 48H later another text, and actually get a response. We send a few lengthy texts back and forth and for a day and then radio silence. We had made plans to go out on a Thursday night but she rescheduled to Sunday. Okay, no problem so far, maybe she’s just not a huge texter? Anyway, I send a few more texts which are met with radio silence. I’m starting to get worried at this point, and actually kind of hurt (which is actually something I want to explore). anyway, day of I say fuck it and just call her, which prompts her to send me a text explaining that she felt like she wasn’t ready to date. Okay, which is a fair enough answer I suppose, assuming she’s telling the truth. Otherwise, I wish she just would have said she wasn’t interested, and it wasn’t a function of meeting her at the wrong time when she wasn’t in the right headspace…
What I want to explore is why I felt so strongly about her despite only having met her once. I’ve met so many people off tinder recently and I’ve never felt so strongly about any of them. Even the hot models. Actually, while writing this I think I came across the answer. SHE HAPPENS TO SHARE A COMMON INTEREST THAT I’M SINKING A LOT OF TIME INTO NOW. Cocktail making is something that I’m currently spending a lot of time thinking about, thus, it seems important. She also likes something that I’ve recently deemed important which makes her seem more important. Not to mention she was pretty cute…I think this is a reasonable answer to why I felt so strongly about this one person in particular. Kind of scary.