Alicia Y

Dear Alicia,

I’ve been meaning to write this for about a week (mainly for my own sake since I strongly suspect you’ll never wind up reading this).  There are a number of things I need to get off my mind with regards to the past month, and I believe this is the easiest way to sort through my own feelings.  The first thing I want to say is that I keep having the recurring thought that I wish we could have been more than friends?  I’m not sure if I completely believe this, but it’s an intrusive thought and I want to unpack it.  First, I think talking to you is always a treat, you introduce me to new thoughts and ideas which I love and I also find you very attractive.  I think the spontaneity with which you live your life sounds exciting and on some level I think I might be envious of lots of the experiences you’ve had.  This is probably not healthy (the envy), and I’m working on sorting through those feelings independently, but this is my space for thoughts and being honest.

So like I was saying, I wish we could have become more than friends.  We talked about this though, on some level…Rather, we discussed the reasons why we shouldn’t date because in all honesty it would have been a trainwreck probably.  For some reason we’re compatible as friends (maybe? I suppose only time can tell).  I question if part of this feeling is how we met and everything that quickly ensued from there?  Sleeping together on the first night we met, followed by copious amounts of cuddling and emotionally intense talks probably created some kind of emotional attachment, at least for me.  I think I knew I was going to be left with these feelings when I chose to get involved with your relationship woes.  I was confident that I was going to end up being more attached to you than vice versa.  Ultimately though, it seems like you’re in a much better place than when we first met which was my goal (why was this my goal?  Beats the fuck out of me, also probably worth trying to address at some point).  If I had to create an analogy for the scenario, I feel like an emotional sponge.  I cleaned up a lot of the mess and  now I’m a bit of a mess (not really, this sounds more dramatic than is the actual case) and you don’t want to touch me.

I am deeply curious if I would have chosen to get involved, especially to the level that I did, in your personal life if we hadn’t had sex that first night…Was this a case of my penis getting ahead of myself and leading me into a place I would have been better off not going?  Perhaps.  That isn’t to say that I haven’t come to value our friendship, I have.  This is still an interesting thought to entertain though.  I go back and forth on it.  On some level I do suspect that I wouldn’t have gotten involved, and pushed you to break up with your boyfriend, and talk to you about your past sexual trauma if we hadn’t.  Although, I would like to think I might have chosen to get involved if we hadn’t had sex though?  It’s hard to say, maybe it’s just my ego speaking and wanting to put myself in a more positive light.

Returning to my original thought, this whole experience has given me more perspective on my relationship with Angela though.  Maybe…Just tossing around the idea of dating, I had a visceral reaction to the thought of dating someone who was in college.  It could be different from an older woman’s perspective but I felt shady and gross for wanting to date someone who was still in college?  I can’t remember if Angela told me she ever struggled with these type of thoughts.  It’s been too long (which is a sad thought).  Not to mention it would have felt weird dating someone who I felt like I was trying to mentor/guide through trauma.  I did start to wonder if this could become an issue in my professional career, developing romantic feelings towards people I could potentially be treating.  I decided that this probably wouldn’t happen though since I wouldn’t start any kind of patient relationship by immediately having sex with them.  This isn’t to say that sex is the reason I initially got involved, but I find it hard to deny that having sex with someone doesn’t introduce more intense feelings into a relationship.

Another thing I want to address is that one night 12/10/17 (since you’re self described obsessed with dates) when we had an argument and I felt like was a turning point.  It’s weird to say a turning point since we’ve known each other for such a short time but fuck it, it’s been an emotional rollercoaster.  I was definitely out of line with my comments and I’m pretty sure I hurt your feelings.  I was pretty serious about just cutting off things between us, but my comments afterwards were probably more harsh than useful.  In some sense I’ve dug my own grave with regards to fallout.  I’m not sure if I dragged out the closeness we had developed forever or if that’s recoverable.  Regardless, it’s definitely my fault.  It does fall nicely in what the natural progression of things ought to be though.  Since we probably shouldn’t be dating, so more emotional distance is more than likely for the best.  It still makes me sad though.  I’m not sure if it’s the feelings of social rejection, or just the feeling of two people quickly drifting away.  But whatever it is, it doesn’t feel good.  I’m pretty confident you don’t feel the same way which is why I’m not sending a letter to you about this.  I feel like it would be unfair to burden you with these thoughts.  Especially since you already have so many of your own problems to sort through yourself, the last thing you need are mine.

I’m not sure if I have anything else to say at the moment (I’ve crossed the 1000 word mark which I’m kind impressed by).  I can talk a little about my hopes for you in the future.  I hope you are able to come to peace with all your past sexual traumas.  I also hope you learn more about yourself in the process, I think at this point a lot of your actions, and the negative results you’ve encountered as a result, are a result of not fully understanding your own thoughts and motivations.  Not that I think you’re at fault for the terrible things you’ve experience, perhaps it was because mercury was in retrograde and that was the reason for everything.  It’s worth noting that perhaps many of the situations you found yourself in might have been preventable.  While it isn’t a pleasant thought, acknowledging so much could help you avoid such situations in the future.  Ultimately, I hope you find happiness in the future.  While I wish this for most people I’ve gotten to know, I think you’re one of the few that truly deserves it.




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