Mood: Sad/still in shock
Drink: Eeyore’s Requiem
Food Level: Completely fasted – I haven’t eaten anything today
So I’m single now. Writing down my thoughts has always been cathartic. It takes a lot of energy though so I don’t do it nearly enough.
First, Angela broke up with me. So, that explains why I’m single. In short, she came to the realization that she could never see me as a serious boyfriend. From the way I understand it, which is more than likely biased and probably doesn’t do justice to the explanation she gave, I wasn’t intelligent enough, accomplished enough, knowledgeable enough, etc. to ever challenge her enough to be considered a serious boyfriend. She said she needed a boyfriend who pushes her to better herself. In this case, she means someone who isn’t me. I makes me feel kind of like an itemized receipt, like I’m just the sum of a set of qualities. She felt like she was using me for a good time which made her feel guilty because she knew I wanted something more serious which she refused to let happen. It’s hard to explain completely.
- I wanted a serious relationship
- she wanted someone to be friends with, talk with, and have fun with
- I filled those qualities
- she decided I could never be considered a serious boyfriend
- she felt guilty about this because she felt like she was stringing me along
- she broke up with me
- she wants to be friends
It’s interesting she wants to be friends. Fors someone who’s apparently smarter than me I don’t understand how that isn’t the most selfish thing she could ever ask for. Admittedly she can be pretty selfish sometimes, so more than likely she just hasn’t thought about it. But the way I see it her asking me to be friends is kind of insulting and hurtful…and for whatever reason I’m still conflicted about it. I feel that her request is selfish because I feel like she’s asking me to give everything she wants while having no obligation to give me anything I want. Basically she can have someone to talk to, do things with, have sex with completely on her terms, and she doesn’t have to feel any need to satisfy any of my needs since she has no obligation to. It’s like all the things she wants from a relationship without needing to give anything back. That’s why I feel like it’s selfish
I should take care of her stuff at some point.
I’m getting too tired to write, the Eeyore is definitely starting to hit me. I’m going to try to push myself to write in the future
Points to talk about later:
- appreciating our time together
- my healing process
- energy and motivation
- her stuff
- being friends