I’ve been meaning to write this for about a week (mainly for my own sake since I strongly suspect you’ll never wind up reading this). There are a number of things I need to get off my mind with regards to the past month, and I believe this is the easiest way to sort through my own feelings. The first thing I want to say is that I keep having the recurring thought that I wish we could have been more than friends? I’m not sure if I completely believe this, but it’s an intrusive thought and I want to unpack it. First, I think talking to you is always a treat, you introduce me to new thoughts and ideas which I love and I also find you very attractive. I think the spontaneity with which you live your life sounds exciting and on some level I think I might be envious of lots of the experiences you’ve had. This is probably not healthy (the envy), and I’m working on sorting through those feelings independently, but this is my space for thoughts and being honest.
So like I was saying, I wish we could have become more than friends. We talked about this though, on some level…Rather, we discussed the reasons why we shouldn’t date because in all honesty it would have been a trainwreck probably. For some reason we’re compatible as friends (maybe? I suppose only time can tell). I question if part of this feeling is how we met and everything that quickly ensued from there? Sleeping together on the first night we met, followed by copious amounts of cuddling and emotionally intense talks probably created some kind of emotional attachment, at least for me. I think I knew I was going to be left with these feelings when I chose to get involved with your relationship woes. I was confident that I was going to end up being more attached to you than vice versa. Ultimately though, it seems like you’re in a much better place than when we first met which was my goal (why was this my goal? Beats the fuck out of me, also probably worth trying to address at some point). If I had to create an analogy for the scenario, I feel like an emotional sponge. I cleaned up a lot of the mess and now I’m a bit of a mess (not really, this sounds more dramatic than is the actual case) and you don’t want to touch me.
I am deeply curious if I would have chosen to get involved, especially to the level that I did, in your personal life if we hadn’t had sex that first night…Was this a case of my penis getting ahead of myself and leading me into a place I would have been better off not going? Perhaps. That isn’t to say that I haven’t come to value our friendship, I have. This is still an interesting thought to entertain though. I go back and forth on it. On some level I do suspect that I wouldn’t have gotten involved, and pushed you to break up with your boyfriend, and talk to you about your past sexual trauma if we hadn’t. Although, I would like to think I might have chosen to get involved if we hadn’t had sex though? It’s hard to say, maybe it’s just my ego speaking and wanting to put myself in a more positive light.
Returning to my original thought, this whole experience has given me more perspective on my relationship with Angela though. Maybe…Just tossing around the idea of dating, I had a visceral reaction to the thought of dating someone who was in college. It could be different from an older woman’s perspective but I felt shady and gross for wanting to date someone who was still in college? I can’t remember if Angela told me she ever struggled with these type of thoughts. It’s been too long (which is a sad thought). Not to mention it would have felt weird dating someone who I felt like I was trying to mentor/guide through trauma. I did start to wonder if this could become an issue in my professional career, developing romantic feelings towards people I could potentially be treating. I decided that this probably wouldn’t happen though since I wouldn’t start any kind of patient relationship by immediately having sex with them. This isn’t to say that sex is the reason I initially got involved, but I find it hard to deny that having sex with someone doesn’t introduce more intense feelings into a relationship.
Another thing I want to address is that one night 12/10/17 (since you’re self described obsessed with dates) when we had an argument and I felt like was a turning point. It’s weird to say a turning point since we’ve known each other for such a short time but fuck it, it’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I was definitely out of line with my comments and I’m pretty sure I hurt your feelings. I was pretty serious about just cutting off things between us, but my comments afterwards were probably more harsh than useful. In some sense I’ve dug my own grave with regards to fallout. I’m not sure if I dragged out the closeness we had developed forever or if that’s recoverable. Regardless, it’s definitely my fault. It does fall nicely in what the natural progression of things ought to be though. Since we probably shouldn’t be dating, so more emotional distance is more than likely for the best. It still makes me sad though. I’m not sure if it’s the feelings of social rejection, or just the feeling of two people quickly drifting away. But whatever it is, it doesn’t feel good. I’m pretty confident you don’t feel the same way which is why I’m not sending a letter to you about this. I feel like it would be unfair to burden you with these thoughts. Especially since you already have so many of your own problems to sort through yourself, the last thing you need are mine.
I’m not sure if I have anything else to say at the moment (I’ve crossed the 1000 word mark which I’m kind impressed by). I can talk a little about my hopes for you in the future. I hope you are able to come to peace with all your past sexual traumas. I also hope you learn more about yourself in the process, I think at this point a lot of your actions, and the negative results you’ve encountered as a result, are a result of not fully understanding your own thoughts and motivations. Not that I think you’re at fault for the terrible things you’ve experience, perhaps it was because mercury was in retrograde and that was the reason for everything. It’s worth noting that perhaps many of the situations you found yourself in might have been preventable. While it isn’t a pleasant thought, acknowledging so much could help you avoid such situations in the future. Ultimately, I hope you find happiness in the future. While I wish this for most people I’ve gotten to know, I think you’re one of the few that truly deserves it.
TOTAL TIME: 0:40
FOR THE HASH
- 2 tbsp. vegetable oil
- 1 lb. frozen hash browns (not thawed)
- 1 large onion, diced
- 1 bell pepper, chopped
- kosher salt
- Freshly ground black pepper
- 3 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 jalapeño, thinly sliced
- 1 c. Shredded Monterey Jack
- 4 large eggs
- Chopped chives, for garnish
FOR THE GRAVY
- 1/3 lb. Italian sausage, casings removed
- 2 tbsp. all-purpose flour
- 1 c. whole milk
- Pinch of cayenne pepper
- In a large cast-iron skillet, heat oil. Add hash browns and cook undisturbed for 10 minutes, then flip and cook 5 minutes more, until golden and crispy. Add onions and bell pepper and season with salt and pepper. Cook until tender, 5 minutes more. Add garlic and sliced jalapeño and cook until fragrant, 1 minute.
- Add cheese to hash browns and let melt, 2 minutes. Stir together so hash browns are fully cheesy.
- Make four nests for eggs and crack eggs in each. Season eggs with salt and pepper. Cover and cook until whites are set and yolks still slightly runny, 8 minutes.
- Meanwhile, make breakfast gravy: Cook sausage in a medium skillet over medium heat until browned all over. Sprinkle flour over the sausage and cook 1 minute. Pour over milk and bring mixture to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer until very thick, about 5 minutes. Season with salt, pepper, and cayenne. Remove from heat.
- Serve hash drizzled with breakfast gravy and garnished with chives.
I always have the sinking feeling that I don’t journal enough, and still… I rarely do anything about it. Right now I have a lot of pent of feelings that I feel like I want to vent about. I guess maybe journalling is like a floodgate for me. It only opens when it’s forced open due to a massive build up. Last week (I think it was last week, days are starting to run together at this point) was terrible for me. Two weeks ago, on a whim I met this girl for drinks. We met at a cocktail place and chatted for a few hours before she had to leave. She said she works in a coffee shop on the weekends (she’s currently in the last year of pharmacy school) and really values her sleep. We really hit it off, it seemed like we had a lot in common. Particularly a love for cocktails and cocktail making. I think I might be over-valuing this trait at the moment because it’s the hobby I’ve been throwing myself into to distract myself from checking my email for med school interviews. Anyway, she seemed cool, listened to a lot of the same podcasts, had similar interests, was cute, and I thought we really hit it off. We made out in front of the restaurant before I ended up walking her to her car. Something I normally wouldn’t do, but she seemed like the kind of person who would appreciate it. She asked me to take a photo of myself and send it to her before she agreed to meet me, so needless to say, she was a little timid.
She definitely dropped some things which should have been redflag worthy, something I’m terrible at incorporating into my valuation function apparently. For example being a hot model dramatically outweighs the fact she was a super flakey college dropout that had issues with depression and had a cocaine addiction…I’m bad at this. Anyway, cocktail girl told me about how she got two tattoos on her ankles (one of each) on a whim after a bad period in her life because she felt like making a bad decision. She also casually dropped how she cheated on one of ex-boyfriends. Finally, she didn’t like pharmacy school and was only going because her dad was making her. Somehow NONE OF THIS WAS CONCERNING TO ME. Jesus Christ, maybe I’m just desperate for a connection with someone? Either that, or I’m just very tolerant of people’s flaws. Maybe both?
So the day after I shoot her a text. No response, 48H later another text, and actually get a response. We send a few lengthy texts back and forth and for a day and then radio silence. We had made plans to go out on a Thursday night but she rescheduled to Sunday. Okay, no problem so far, maybe she’s just not a huge texter? Anyway, I send a few more texts which are met with radio silence. I’m starting to get worried at this point, and actually kind of hurt (which is actually something I want to explore). anyway, day of I say fuck it and just call her, which prompts her to send me a text explaining that she felt like she wasn’t ready to date. Okay, which is a fair enough answer I suppose, assuming she’s telling the truth. Otherwise, I wish she just would have said she wasn’t interested, and it wasn’t a function of meeting her at the wrong time when she wasn’t in the right headspace…
What I want to explore is why I felt so strongly about her despite only having met her once. I’ve met so many people off tinder recently and I’ve never felt so strongly about any of them. Even the hot models. Actually, while writing this I think I came across the answer. SHE HAPPENS TO SHARE A COMMON INTEREST THAT I’M SINKING A LOT OF TIME INTO NOW. Cocktail making is something that I’m currently spending a lot of time thinking about, thus, it seems important. She also likes something that I’ve recently deemed important which makes her seem more important. Not to mention she was pretty cute…I think this is a reasonable answer to why I felt so strongly about this one person in particular. Kind of scary.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written one of these. Honestly, the break up hasn’t been something that’s been on my mind terribly much? That’s probably a good thing. Interesting things note, I feel like Angela doesn’t want to be friends like she said she did? Doesn’t really bother me, it definitely raises a lot of questions about why she made such a big deal out of trying to stay friends? To be fair those conversations always happened at emotionally stressful times which can definitely influence decision making. Anyway, I tried (despite agreeing she would be the one to try. I guess? I said I would try also. I held up my side of the deal at least).
This post is definitely more to stroke my own ego. More or less, let me tell you why I’m so good…very self masturabatory.
One other thing. When people ask me if I think you’d make a good resident, and yes, people do ask me. I say Yes.
God dammit I’m a good ex-boyfriend
(also, who ends a 1.5 year relationship over Skype? I feel like I deserved an in person goodbye at least. That’s some weakass shit right there)
Ten good things and ten bad things
- She understood me and my personality and accepted the positives and negatives it entailed (at least for the time we spent together). We both shared a love for cute things, and she would call me a kitty which I absolutely loved
- She was a really adventurous person who was fun to explore with. We spent a lot of time together exploring new places (mostly restaurants tbh) and trying new things which was fun. In general, she was just a fun person to be around. I liked spending time with her
- I really appreciated her “don’t yuck someone else’s yum” philosophy
- She would buy me clothing and make up, and would listen and pay attention when I would say I wanted something
- She was super organized when we traveled and was generally helpful in planning things
- She would tease me in a playful way. It could get a little mean at times admittedly, but overall it was playful
- She was dedicated to improving herself
- She was fairly open minded about things like recreational drug use (oxy, benzos, etc.)
- I liked talking to her. She was really knowledge about a wide variety of topics, and had many topics she felt passionate about
- She tried to accommodate me in ways I didn’t know needed accommodating? Specifically trying to change things about herself that weren’t compatible with my needs, specifically communication needs
- She was good at communicating. It was possible to sit down and have a productive conversation (once we both got all the arguing, anger, and crying out of the way)
- She was super helpful academically. Or rather, she was always happy to help me study (ready/edit essays, immunology, etc)
- Obviously, the big one is that she couldn’t ever see me as a serious boyfriend. That’s ultimately what the deal-breaker was and why she broke up with me
- In retrospect anger was the emotion she seemed to feel, or at least express to me most strongly? I can’t really remember times when she was overwhelmingly happy, but times when she was angry…
- Piggybacking off #2 she could be so hurtful when she was angry. There are still soundbites that play in my head from when she was angry. Like when she told me I made her want to eat an entire pizza just so she could make herself throw it up
- The sex we had was actually pretty good. Around the end though it felt like having sex was more of chore for her rather than something she wanted to do. I also think I would have liked to have a more adventurous sex life in the future. Oh! And someone who likes kissing, I miss kissing
- She could be pretty selfish at times. I spent some much time waiting for her outside her dorm, or downstairs in the lobby of her dorm, or in front of the elevator to go up to her dorm… She asked me to change a lot of things about myself to make the relationship work, but she refused to change anything about herself. She would try out different things, but we would ultimately end up fighting about whatever that thing was and we would either compromise or I would give in
- I wish she was a little clingier than she was. I like lots of communication and spending lots of time together when I’m in a relationship. She wasn’t very clingy, or very affectionate. In fact, she probably didn’t like touching terribly much? She also hated how warm my body was, I should probably date someone cooler in the future. This made cuddling difficult. I love cuddling. We did manage to compromise on this though, she would pick at my skin and hair when I wanted to cuddle
- Her main hobby was shopping. Convenient if I needed something? Yes, but even when we went out together, she would be looking at sales on her phone
- She was very particular about food handling. While it sounds like a weird thing to put on the list, food played a large component in our relationship, especially cooking. How things were handled in the kitchen was much more important to her than it was to me
- Fucking games on her phone. This one really bothered me, she would spend so much time playing games on her phone, even when we were only seeing each other once a week (upon her request). This seriously bothered me
- She disliked my height and age. Couldn’t really do much about either of these things and knowing how strongly she disliked these traits seriously hurt my self-esteem