Ten good things and ten bad things
- She understood me and my personality and accepted the positives and negatives it entailed (at least for the time we spent together). We both shared a love for cute things, and she would call me a kitty which I absolutely loved
- She was a really adventurous person who was fun to explore with. We spent a lot of time together exploring new places (mostly restaurants tbh) and trying new things which was fun. In general, she was just a fun person to be around. I liked spending time with her
- I really appreciated her “don’t yuck someone else’s yum” philosophy
- She would buy me clothing and make up, and would listen and pay attention when I would say I wanted something
- She was super organized when we traveled and was generally helpful in planning things
- She would tease me in a playful way. It could get a little mean at times admittedly, but overall it was playful
- She was dedicated to improving herself
- She was fairly open minded about things like recreational drug use (oxy, benzos, etc.)
- I liked talking to her. She was really knowledge about a wide variety of topics, and had many topics she felt passionate about
- She tried to accommodate me in ways I didn’t know needed accommodating? Specifically trying to change things about herself that weren’t compatible with my needs, specifically communication needs
- She was good at communicating. It was possible to sit down and have a productive conversation (once we both got all the arguing, anger, and crying out of the way)
- She was super helpful academically. Or rather, she was always happy to help me study (ready/edit essays, immunology, etc)
- Obviously, the big one is that she couldn’t ever see me as a serious boyfriend. That’s ultimately what the deal-breaker was and why she broke up with me
- In retrospect anger was the emotion she seemed to feel, or at least express to me most strongly? I can’t really remember times when she was overwhelmingly happy, but times when she was angry…
- Piggybacking off #2 she could be so hurtful when she was angry. There are still soundbites that play in my head from when she was angry. Like when she told me I made her want to eat an entire pizza just so she could make herself throw it up
- The sex we had was actually pretty good. Around the end though it felt like having sex was more of chore for her rather than something she wanted to do. I also think I would have liked to have a more adventurous sex life in the future. Oh! And someone who likes kissing, I miss kissing
- She could be pretty selfish at times. I spent some much time waiting for her outside her dorm, or downstairs in the lobby of her dorm, or in front of the elevator to go up to her dorm… She asked me to change a lot of things about myself to make the relationship work, but she refused to change anything about herself. She would try out different things, but we would ultimately end up fighting about whatever that thing was and we would either compromise or I would give in
- I wish she was a little clingier than she was. I like lots of communication and spending lots of time together when I’m in a relationship. She wasn’t very clingy, or very affectionate. In fact, she probably didn’t like touching terribly much? She also hated how warm my body was, I should probably date someone cooler in the future. This made cuddling difficult. I love cuddling. We did manage to compromise on this though, she would pick at my skin and hair when I wanted to cuddle
- Her main hobby was shopping. Convenient if I needed something? Yes, but even when we went out together, she would be looking at sales on her phone
- She was very particular about food handling. While it sounds like a weird thing to put on the list, food played a large component in our relationship, especially cooking. How things were handled in the kitchen was much more important to her than it was to me
- Fucking games on her phone. This one really bothered me, she would spend so much time playing games on her phone, even when we were only seeing each other once a week (upon her request). This seriously bothered me
- She disliked my height and age. Couldn’t really do much about either of these things and knowing how strongly she disliked these traits seriously hurt my self-esteem
Edit: Thought I’d add some thoughts I had that kept me going since I assume you’re going through your first right now?
1) all those things you two enjoyed together are just things. They’re objective. What I mean by that is that if you frequented X restaurant or she introduced you to Y band, they’re not “hers”. The restaurant and band don’t give a shit about her -they may even dislike her if they met her- so enjoy the things and places you enjoy. A park is a park, a shirt is a shirt, and so on.
2) you are a fucking king, man. I used to tell myself that well, if I ever run into her again I want her damn jaw to drop cuz I’m killin it across the board. As I saw here on reddit once, “this is your game of life, be the best you can be”
3) I was an immature fuck when I went thru my first breakup. Still am, probably, but I know I’ve grown a lot since then. I might even be a man now, who knows. But as I watched myself change (and I changed basically everything) I started to get really excited to see how a new and more mature relationship would be. I mean when k really think about it, it’s gonna be a whole new experience. And this time I wont be a codependent pussy! Cool!
4) holy shit look at how much more money I have! For the first few months I would take what I figured I used to spend on her in a month and then go treat myself. New shoes one month, new jacket next, etc. It’s fun to date yourself. And honestly it’s fun to be selfish.
Mood: Sad/still in shock
Drink: Eeyore’s Requiem
Food Level: Completely fasted – I haven’t eaten anything today
So I’m single now. Writing down my thoughts has always been cathartic. It takes a lot of energy though so I don’t do it nearly enough.
First, Angela broke up with me. So, that explains why I’m single. In short, she came to the realization that she could never see me as a serious boyfriend. From the way I understand it, which is more than likely biased and probably doesn’t do justice to the explanation she gave, I wasn’t intelligent enough, accomplished enough, knowledgeable enough, etc. to ever challenge her enough to be considered a serious boyfriend. She said she needed a boyfriend who pushes her to better herself. In this case, she means someone who isn’t me. I makes me feel kind of like an itemized receipt, like I’m just the sum of a set of qualities. She felt like she was using me for a good time which made her feel guilty because she knew I wanted something more serious which she refused to let happen. It’s hard to explain completely.
- I wanted a serious relationship
- she wanted someone to be friends with, talk with, and have fun with
- I filled those qualities
- she decided I could never be considered a serious boyfriend
- she felt guilty about this because she felt like she was stringing me along
- she broke up with me
- she wants to be friends
It’s interesting she wants to be friends. Fors someone who’s apparently smarter than me I don’t understand how that isn’t the most selfish thing she could ever ask for. Admittedly she can be pretty selfish sometimes, so more than likely she just hasn’t thought about it. But the way I see it her asking me to be friends is kind of insulting and hurtful…and for whatever reason I’m still conflicted about it. I feel that her request is selfish because I feel like she’s asking me to give everything she wants while having no obligation to give me anything I want. Basically she can have someone to talk to, do things with, have sex with completely on her terms, and she doesn’t have to feel any need to satisfy any of my needs since she has no obligation to. It’s like all the things she wants from a relationship without needing to give anything back. That’s why I feel like it’s selfish
I should take care of her stuff at some point.
I’m getting too tired to write, the Eeyore is definitely starting to hit me. I’m going to try to push myself to write in the future
Points to talk about later:
- appreciating our time together
- my healing process
- energy and motivation
- her stuff
- being friends
I wish I could say it in person. I wish I could say it to you. The best I can do is say it here. Good luck tomorrow Bun Bun <3. I hope we talk soon